Annie on My Mind – Nancy Garden
Book Details
A Second Adventure with My First
In late August of 2012 I was cresting adulthood. At almost 19, I felt invincible. I had a dog, a girlfriend, and my first apartment. I had lugged my many books, CDs, and my extensive DVD collection 20 miles from my parent’s house, and finally I had some lovely built-in shelving to proudly display them. Located in my meager living room next to my porch door, my books were bathed in the hazy heat of the sun, golden light shining on them for a few hours a day. I was so proud of my display, I put my TV stand just below it so I could catch glimpses of it while chilling with my lady on the couch.
Alas, all good things must come to an end, or so said some guy somewhere, because just 2 short months later my building would go up in flames. Though a wild tale for another time, I finally found the answer to the question “What would you grab if your house was o n fire?”. And no, the answer is not poetic.
I didn’t grab my mini-library of books, I didn’t save my CDs, and I did not rescue any of my DVDs – over 200 of them. I grabbed my shoes, my keys, my wallet, and my dog (R.I.P Reba, but not till years later) while my girlfriend grabbed air, and we both fled down the stairs unharmed. Later, when the flames had died, the crowds left, and we were allowed back in our apartment I cast a forlorn glance at my built-ins, hoping one day I could recreate the magic.
A week later we had packed up what meager amounts of salvageable items we could. An odd box from deep in a closet, tainted with the smell of singed spider webs and plastic, some discount pots and pans that were apparently fire-proof, and a few trinkets hidden in drawers. What surprised me most though, was Annie on My Mind.
Somehow, the first Lesbian book I had ever read, the one I sneakily convinced my mom to buy from Half Price Books – somehow avoiding the subject of what it was about – had survived what almost all my other worldly possessions had not. She (yes, I dub AoMM a “she”) hid amongst her brethren next to the flaming maw that was once my porch door after it had exploded from heat, stuck a mighty middle finger in the air and shouted, “Not today!”.
A paperback released in 2007, mid-sized, stuck bang-center in the middle of my built-in next to an inferno that took out the shelf itself, lived on where others had not. When I look at her today, her pages have yellowed and she’s soft to the touch, but no mortal wounds were left that eerie October morning.
When Renny and I decided to start 2Queer2Fiction, I knew Annie on My Mind would be the first book I wrote about. I mean, how many books can say they survived a fire? I mean.. Ok, probably more than I think, but still! For my first Lesbian book to survive that nightmare feels like Sappho’s indominable will, and who am I to deny the queen of the Gal Pals? So I recently sat down and opened up Ol’ Annie to see how the story held up. Read what went down.
Annie on My Mind was my first look at first love
Thoughts
Liza Winthrop and Annie Kenyon are 17 and they. have. feelings. Although they have different backgrounds and ambitions, Liza living in a Brownstone and (hopefully) headed to MIT and Annie in the Heights bound for California, the two girls share a close friendship that soon blossoms into love.
They experience many challenges, and as their relationship deepens the girls begin to explore their feelings for each other. However, something threatens to out them. Surrounded by a thick cloud of fear, Liza must confront the consequences, including tension with her family and her school, while trying to keep Annie by her side.
A quick search will tell you what Annie on My Mind has been through since then. Praise, criticism, and.. a book burning? Yes. A book burning. Though never outright stated, we can assume their story begins in New York, USA in the 1980’s, seeing that this book was originally published in 1982. For those not native to the US, things were pretty homophobic until the late 2000’s.
Whether it was because the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr., Hate Crimes Prevention Act of 2009 was enacted or because Lady Gaga was quoted, saying “[she wanted to] inject gay culture into the mainstream” most Millennial Queers are unable to recall how exactly the tides turned. All that is remembered is that it suddenly felt less scary.
The fear didn’t go away all together, but when glaring eyes guffawed in our direction there was a smug air about us as we gripped our S.O.’s hand tighter. A silent sense of rebellion. Simply being queer was now a positive adrenaline rush. Almost hoping someone would say something just so we could righteously berate them for their bigotry.
In Liza and Annie’s case, discovering who they were in the 80’s, is almost impossible to comprehend for most Queer Americans in big cities. Yet their story still rings true. People all over the world, even in those big American cities, fear the rejection and the vitriol that others are capable of spewing. What they hear in the news keeps them from experiencing honest love. Love for themselves, and love for others, stifled by the fear of judgment and the weight of societal expectations – much like Liza and Annie.
The feelings felt by our main characters are slowly delt with, and later accepted, readers are enveloped in the warmth and innocence of a wholesome love. We follow them as they experiment with sneaking physical expressions of their love in semi-public areas. A quick glance around, then a kiss. We trot along as they navigate first fights and learning how to take other people’s emotions and experiences into account, even when upset. And we see them come to terms with the instinct to want more.
More. For any parents that may find this, you can refer to our Age Rating to determine what we think about more. Much like the first kiss, there are no scandalous details or raunchy descriptors. Nancy Garden might as well be reporting the news as she describes the kiss and more. Simple, refined, demure. Simply two people, being people in love. Letting us all know what happened without letting us know what happened.
Liza and Annie experience quite a bit in Annie on My Mind. From First’s to privilege, suspensions and betrayal, loss and, of course, love. Their journey was a hallmark of my adolescence 20-odd years after it was first published, and 16 years later I can confidently say the story holds up.
With pride and awe, I recommend reading Annie on My Mind to anyone looking to experience a shred of what Sapphic love was like in the 1980’s. The warmth radiating from it’s pages will leave you eager and wanting more, and the cold bite of bigotry will simmer and spout until finally, you know how the true beginning began.
Come back when you’ve finished the book to read our Deep Dive below 👇
Deep Dive: Spoilers Ahead
As I opened Annie on My Mind…
As I opened Annie on My Mind I was immediately transported back to Eight grade. Walking past a nook in Half Price Books comprised mostly of ‘Self Help’ garbage, I used my peripherals to ensure my mom was nowhere near before casually, casually perusing the wares. My mom had always been a fan of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books, every birthday and Christmas brought a new one, so I had an excellent cover story.
You see, tucked away in those stacks of 2000’s diet books, buried in the far bottom corner was the ‘LGBT’ section. At most, it held 30 books. Mostly thin novellas, some artsy pieces that were beyond my understanding I’m sure. But among those underrated gems, sat AoMM. With a nervous glance down the aisle and sweat on my brow I glanced at the cover, feeling warmth in my chest and ice in my belly.
You would think for all the sweat I perspired that my second attempt to come out a year later would have gone horribly, but no, I was one of the lucky ones. Nonetheless, I was pre-closetfreedom and STRESSED, but with my amazing acting skills (or rather, a busy mom lugging 15-odd books for her children with loving exhaustion in her eyes) I was able to purchase this holy relic and bring it back to my cave.
Annie on My Mind was my first look at first love. I was closer in age to both the titular and main character back then, but I can assure you that those same frantic, fuzzy feelings came back 16 years later. The book begins with Liza “present day” thinking back on her time with Annie a year prior.
Though I admit, the first chapter had me cringing at the pure adolescent freedom both characters displayed in the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I soon realized I needed to reset my mind to that of my pubescent self. The careless, thoughtless, truly free self that loudly laughed in quiet museums. The self that wore outfits all the rage – one’s that definitely did not go out of fashion, yes yes.
The moment that tripped me was the play fight in the Hall of Arms and Armor. As an adult, I felt embarrassed for a moment, before quickly remembering how immature I became the last time I met up with old school friends. A wave of mortification rolled over me, and I quickly righted my judgements and consciously forced myself to fall back into my 17 year-old thoughts.
Liza Winthrop and Annie Kenyon are 17 and they. have. feelings. Like, right away! As a seasoned-gay, I could see the signs from a mile out, but what really sealed it was the first time they looked, really looked at one another in the Hall of Arms and Armor.
“.. for a moment or two I don’t think I could have told anyone my name, let alone where I was”
-Liza
The shock she experienced is something I’m familiar with. The stunned awe you feel, your heart dropping in your chest before loudly booming at an accelerated rate as your eyes meet. Ahh, first love… amiright?
When Liza attended a disciplinary hearing with her friend Sally for failing to report Sally for piercing student’s ears, I felt the inherent need to rebel bubbling up in my chest. Reading what went down and having to even be aware of Mrs. Poindexter’s presence in the story was hard work. IMO it doesn’t matter if you’re older, or if you’re the headmistress, you earn my respect. And Poindexter? Nah. She didn’t move my respect meter at all.
For example, the literal second thing we learn about her is that she is known for thinking of “sardonically icy things to say” while dramatically pinching the bridge of her nose, as if in pain, at students she’s disciplining. What a friggin’ drama queen. High and mighty, hoity toity, whatever you want to call it, it doesn’t fly with me. Kids have feelings too. Though off-topic it had to be said.
Back to Liza! She gets suspended for failing to tattle – obviously – but lo and behold, this leads to another meetup with Annie because her 3 day suspension aligned ever-so perfectly with Thanksgiving break (for our international friends, T-giving is on the 4th Thursday in November each year, so most students get the Friday after off as well). During this time, the two share their first kiss, and though panic ensues for Liza, Annie reveals she has already processed most of these feelings of discovery because she previously had a romantic experience with another girl. Note: Annie has not fully processed these feelings.
Over time we get to know the characters as individuals and as a “couple”, hiding their feelings in fleeting touches and romantic paraphrases from Plato. Though they are supportive of one another’s journey, they also experience some tension. The inherent need to make a physical connection with each other never reaching the same pinnacle for themselves as it is for the other. Reaching out one minute, and drawing back the next.
We watch as they fail to take each other’s feelings into consideration, before promptly realizing their mistake and apologizing. And eventually, we are given a light at the end of the tunnel. A location of true security where the two can meet, and kiss, and hold one another without scrutiny.
Enter: The Definitely-Not-Lesbians
Ms. Isabelle Stevenson (Grey’s Anatomy, who?), or Iza, and Ms. Katherine Widmer, or Kah, are definitely not Lesbians who live together as grown-ass women. Now one could say they live together because they are close friends and fellow teachers at Liza’s private school, Foster Academy. Perhaps they don’t make enough to own their own homes. Mmm, yes, all plausible in the eyes of a youth in the 1980’s, but to 13-year-old me? In 2005? Hell nah.
I may never have kissed a girl (back then) and I may have never lived with a girl (back then), but I could certainly sniff out lesbos in hiding any time, any place (still can). Ms. Stevenson religiously wears a pageboy for god-sakes! That’s more of a sign than any of the 2000’s fedoras or the beanies and snapbacks that haunted the 2010’s. These hats scream homosexuality given the right circumstances, and with Iza standing tall, blonde, and intimidating, it only adds to her lesbian aura.
Ms. Widmer on the other hand, is only described as prematurely grey. What with Ms. Stevenson being introduced to us first, and me pegging her for a fellow homo, the second I found out they lived together I pictured Ms. Widmer sharing similar features with Stacy London.
The teachers share a rowhouse (yes, an actual house) in Cobble Hill, New York City with two cats, who I’m sure are blissfully unaware of their mothers’ inclinations. Those two cats ended up being the key to Annie and Liza’s freedom though, because Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer were going out of town, so we thank them for their service.
As soon as our two leads entered the house to begin their cat-sitting duties I just knew we would finally see Annie and Liza thoroughly explore their feelings with one another. Though stunted at first by the casual domesticity they could finally envelope themselves in, and then next by their inability to communicate what they both wanted, the girls finally cave and explore one another’s… caves? (UGH, I know, I kind of regret writing it, too.)
Nancy does an amazing job at alluding, because that’s all we get! Rightfully so, since this is a YA novel, and it was published in 1982, but still. Re-reading this as an adult made me want more. And yet, there was a simple beauty about it.
“I remember so much about that first time with Annie that I am numb with it, and breathless.”
Liza, “present” day
The Beginning ends
After finding out that Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer ARE in fact lesbians (gasp, who could have predicted this), the girls get distracted and take the risk of getting intimate one more time not too long before the adults are due home. Like all classic stories of closeted lesbians, their carefully guarded secret is exposed when (fucking) Sally and Ms. Baxter, a Foster Academy administrator high off her Bible quotes and bigotry, barge into the home.
Though Sally doesn’t stray far from the front door, fully shook at her now ex-friend’s state of undress and choice of company, Ms. Baxter is on a witch-hunt of epic proportions when she runs up the stairs to snoop through Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer’s bedroom. In the midst of that chaos, our favorite not-lesbians-oh-wait-lesbians arrive home and immediately figure out what happened.
Over the course of the end of the book Liza is forcibly outed to her family and put on trial in front of the school’s board thanks to Ms. Dexter’s testimony. Though she escapes punishment, Ms. Stevenson and Ms. Widmer aren’t as lucky. The two are fired from their jobs and are forced to move.
Any adult would be rightfully upset at the two teens for not only outing their relationship, but also getting them fired. And yet, the two teachers are very supportive and go out of their way to reassure Liza that they would be fine. Even going as far to encourage her to not lose Annie. However, those encouragements don’t make it very far, as we see the girls go their separate ways to colleges on different coasts.
The book picks up, “present day” where Liza has been attending MIT for almost a full semester. She attempts to write Annie a letter, but instead decides to call her. The serendipitous call comes right when Annie is offered a plane ticket to Boston for the next day. We’re parted from the book, at last, when they freely offer “I love you’s” to one another, expressing excitement at the prospect of finally reuniting.
The relief I felt when they finally truly accepted their love for one another was euphoric. I’ve been free from my closet for over 17 years, but I still remember the joy of openly loving someone for the first time. My heart was once again filled with excitement for them as I closed the cover and took a deep breath.
Annie on My Mind is still a work of art. Re-reading this, and experiencing Annie and Liza’s story again even inspired Renny to read it for the first time. And I am happy to report that they love the book just as much, even going as far as to say they wish they had been able to read it when they were as young as I was the first time. I sincerely hope you found this story as fulfilling as we did, and we would love to hear what you have to say.
Let us know down in the comments what you rated Annie on My Mind.